Lilly looks down at the peaceful, sleeping baby in her arms. The morning had been mostly a blur. Sitting in the busy airport, she is now painfully aware that her hair, at least the parts that aren’t flying around everywhere, is still pulled up in a pony tail. The gray sweat shirt she has on shows spots of food, milk and something resembling snot.
When the alarm clock rang this morning, Lilly had intended to finish packing and enjoy a quiet moment, maybe even a cup of coffee before rousing Emma to make the trek to the airport. The two of them are leaving, leaving the city behind. Lilly hopes it will be the fresh start they need.
But Emma awakened early. Her piercing cries startled Lilly. She stumbled to the crib and picked up the child. Lilly held Emma close to her chest and tried to comfort her, but it was as if Emma sensed that today was different. Today was the day that their lives would change forever.
Emma was inconsolable. No amount of coaxing or singing would soothe her cries.
As Lilly struggled to complete her packing and get the two of them dressed, she couldn’t help but wonder if this was a sign, an omen perhaps, that she was making the wrong decision. Ben, her boyfriend, was gone. He simply walked away. Not that things were all that different with him gone. He hadn’t paid much attention to Emma. Ben never wanted children and when, in one of those moments often referred to as an “oops” moment, Lilly became pregnant, he had been less than thrilled. Still, Lilly had felt less alone and somewhat financially secure with Ben around. Now that he was gone, she felt completely alone and vulnerable.
Lilly loves Emma with all her heart, but she has other dreams as well. When she came to Cincinnati, it was her love of the city, the museums, and the culture that enticed her. She was eager to make her mark. She had a passion for art and the museum was the perfect fit for her. Lilly loved her job. Art had always been something she could lose herself in.
A few weeks after beginning work, Lilly met Ben. Everything in her life was falling into place. She and Ben met in the small cafe downstairs in the museum. She was taking a lunch break and Ben was getting a quick snack before heading to his job nearby. There were no empty tables, so Lilly had asked if she might join Ben, who was sitting alone. Conversation came easily and before he left, Ben and Lilly planned to have lunch again the following day. Ben was handsome with a mesmerizing smile.. He was also easy going and made Lilly laugh. Within a few months, the two moved in together and Lilly imagined her future and her future included Ben.
In the beginning, things were exciting and fun. Ben enjoyed spending time with Lilly. He liked how the two of them could laugh and talk for hours. For a while things were good, but then came the day Lilly had told him that she was pregnant. Ben had never really wanted a family. How could he provide for a family? How would he be able to take care of a child? After all, his own father had left when he was two. Ben fought within himself for a couple of months, then one day he wrote a note–no conversation, no explanation–just a note on the table saying, “I’m sorry” and Ben walked out the door.
Lilly came home from taking Emma for her check up. Even before she opened the door, she could feel that something was wrong. Lilly stood holding the note, tears streaming down her face, her chest tightening with every second. She forced herself to breathe. Emma, still in her stroller, was crying loudly now. How long had Lilly been standing there?
The next few days, Lilly merely went through the paces. The days seemed to meld into one long, never-ending cycle. Somehow, she managed to feed Emma, take her to day care, go to work and come home. But it all felt meaningless. Before Ben left, she loved her job, and loved playing with Emma. But now, the responsibilities, the depression, the loneliness and isolation have become more than she can bear. She knows she is capable of taking care of herself. But she feels as though she is failing Emma as a parent, so she has made the difficult decision to go home. Home to the place that ten years ago, she’d sworn never to return to. Home to a place where she isn’t even sure she is welcome.
***
Stella stares down at her computer. Her morning had been hectic. She got up early in order to review the presentation she’d prepared. This will be her second interview, her second chance, and she needs it to go well.
Stella dressed and redressed three times, trying to find just the right look. She decided on a pair of navy slacks, a crisp white shirt with a lovely silk scarf her grandmother had given her. She wore her hair down in loose curls. She hopes to make a good impression. This is the closest she has been to getting a job in six months.
She still can’t believe they agreed to purchase her plane ticket for the trip. However, she is grateful. The job is a position in the company’s Atlanta facility. Her first interview was local and had gone well, but now they want to interview her there. Under the circumstances, she could have never afforded the ticket.
When she moved to Cincinnati three years ago, Stella had been filled with dreams and ambition. She and Hank wanted a big family. Hank was an attorney and Stella worked as a marketing executive for a major league baseball team. Hank and Stella were financially secure. They owned a nice home and things were going well. Stella spent all her spare time planning, designing, painting and buying furnishings for a nursery. She and Hank had decided that it was time. They were ready to have a baby. Hank is one of five siblings and as such he was accustomed to build in playmates and was never lonely. Stella is an only child. She had wished for a brother or sister to share secrets and play games. The idea of a large family appealed to both of them in unique ways. Both imagined loud, boisterous weekends and holidays with laughter and fun. Neither Hank nor Stella could have imagined the heartbreak that awaited.
After months of being unable to get pregnant, they received the news that they would not be able to conceive a child naturally and so began months of expensive medications and attempts at in vitro fertilization. With every failed attempt, Hank and Stella watched their bank account dwindle and their marriage slowly fall apart. Stella struggled as the medications made her sick and exhausted. After each appointment when they were told that there was no pregnancy, Hank watched Stella plunge deeper into despair. He tried to boost her spirits but he was barely holding it together himself. The stress of the financial toll and Stella’s fragile emotional state left him feeling helpless. Hank tried to put up a good front, he loved Stella and seeing her so devastated broke him. It wasn’t blame or anger that drove them apart. It was just sadness, disappointment, and the realization of a dream that would never come true.
They sold the house. It was too painful to remain. Everytime Stella passed the nursery door, a suffocating feeling of sadness enveloped her. Eventually, Hank asked for a divorce and had started to move on with his life. But Stella remained stuck. Unable to move forward, she began missing appointments, showing up late or not at all to work. In the end, she had been let go. As difficult as it is, Stella knows she somehow has to survive, has to eat and keep a roof over her head. She is still struggling to keep it together, struggling to get out of bed everyday, struggling to even care enough to try. But now out of desperation, she is searching for a new job.
***
As Lilly sits in the airport terminal, Emma sleeping in her arms, the exhaustion from the morning’s events begins to take over Lilly’s body. She slides a little lower in the chair, her eyes scan the people as they go about their way. Everyone seems to have a purpose. Everyone seems to know where they are headed and how they will get there. The older couple talking and holding hands as they walk along. The business man, obviously late, sprinting through the terminal. Lilly suddenly feels adrift. Sure she is headed “home,” but home hasn’t always been a safe haven for Lilly. She and her mother never really got along, Lilly knows now that that was mostly her fault. She left home when she was eighteen and vowed never to return. Yet, here she is, waiting on a plane to do just that.
As she watches the people coming and going, her eyes fall on a beautiful young woman seated just across the way. Lilly tries not to stare but she is envious as she watches her. She is clearly a strong, independent woman. She is absorbed in work on her computer and Lilly can tell that she likely directs a team of individuals toward a shared goal. Lilly wishes that she had the strength and the ability to pursue her goals in such a way rather than to feel overwhelmed and find herself running away. How wonderful it must be to be this lovely woman with long brown hair. How she longs to step into the shoes of this woman, the woman in navy slacks and the crisp, white shirt, the woman with the silk scarf.
***
Waiting for her plane, Stella frantically reviews the information on her computer. Can she remember the details? Will she be able to hold it together long enough to get through the presentation? Her eyes lift from the computer screen and fall on a precious, sleeping baby across the way.
She tries not to stare but her peacefully rhythmic breathing is practically hypnotizing. As she watches her, Stella’s eyes are drawn to her mother. She is petite with sandy blonde hair. Stella notices how content she looks, so comfortable holding the tiny child. She is dressed in a gray sweatshirt, her hair in a ponytail. Stella thinks how nice it must be that she does not have to try to fit into a corporate mold. That little girl loves her regardless of what she is wearing.
A pang of sadness grips her as she knows that such unconditional love is a feeling she may never experience. How she longs to step into the shoes of this woman, the woman with the ponytail and the gray sweatshirt, the woman who gently wraps a child in comfort and peace.
***
The man behind the desk calls for passengers with small children to begin boarding. Lilly gently lifts Emma, careful not to wake her and walks toward the plane. She hopes that Emma will sleep through most of the flight. As she settles into her seat, Lilly thinks of how her life is far different than the life she had planned for herself and a sort of sadness engulfs her.
In the distance, she hears the call for other passengers to begin boarding. Stella packs away her computer, gathers her things and walks to the plane. She hopes the flight will be smooth. Stella has never liked flying and this will be the first time she has flown alone. As she places her bag in the overhead bin, Stella thinks of how her life is far different than the life she had planned for herself and a sort of sadness engulfed her. For a moment, their eyes meet -Lilly and Stella- each seeing in the other what they believe to be happiness, contentment and the sense of belonging they both crave. Neither aware of the truth of the moment.
As the plane taxis to the runway, gains speed and eventually lifts into the sky, the two women travel to the same destination and there they each will embark on a new journey. A journey of truth and the discovery that things are not always as they seem.
Sharon Vetter is a retired elementary school teacher from Cookeville, Tennessee. Her hobbies are reading, writing and traveling. She also enjoys spending time with her grandchildren.
Mountain Jay Books 